Can Couples Get "In Sync" Sexually?
Key Takeaways
Sex therapists have traditionally treated sexual difficulties by focusing on the individual or on the quality of the relationship. Researcher Marieke Dewitte's work on sexual synchrony offers a third lens: arousal during partnered sex unfolds between two people, not within one. Synchrony is not about matching desire or timing perfectly. It is about responsiveness, noticing where a partner is and adjusting. The most satisfying couples move flexibly in and out of synchrony, balancing attunement to a partner with attention to their own sensations.
What New Research Suggests
Kimberly’s insights from this year’s Society for Sex Therapy and Research (SSTAR) Conference in Vancouver, Canada, from the work of Marieke Dewitte.
As a sex therapist, I spend a lot of time helping couples understand desire discrepancies, communication breakdowns, mismatched arousal, and sexual dissatisfaction. Historically, we have focused on individual factors like desire, trauma history, sexual dysfunction, or we focus on the quality of the relationship by developing communication and conflict resolution skills.
But what if we're asking the wrong question? What if treating an individual or improving the relationship quality isn’t the best approach?
At this year's SSTAR conference, I attended a fascinating presentation by researcher Marieke Dewitte on a concept called sexual synchrony—a framework that may fundamentally change how we think about sexual functioning in relationships. The idea is simple but profound: In partner sex, sexual arousal doesn't happen in isolation; it unfolds between two people.
What Is Sexual Synchrony?
Dewitte defines sexual synchrony as: "The temporal, reciprocal, and coordinated interchange between partners' subjective and genital sexual arousal responses." In plain English, sexual synchrony refers to the ways partners influence, respond to, and regulate each other's sexual arousal during intimate encounters.
Think about a great conversation. Neither person is simply talking. Each person listenings, responds, adjusts, and builds on what the other brings to the interaction. According to this model, great sex may work similarly. Partners continuously exchange information through touch, eye contact, breathing, movement, vocalizations, emotional expressions, and physiological responses. Sexual excitement becomes a shared experience rather than two separate experiences occurring at the same time.
Why This Matters
One of the biggest mistakes many couples make is assuming that satisfying sex means experiencing the exact same level of arousal at the exact same time. As a sex therapist who has conducted hundreds of extensive psychosexual assessments gathering substantial detail about how people have sex, I find that the majority of my clients state shared orgasm as the ultimate goal for having great sex. The research suggests otherwise. Synchrony is not about perfect matching; it's about responsiveness and noticing where your partner is and adjusting accordingly.
In fact, Dewitte argues that excessive synchrony can be problematic, while too little synchrony can leave couples feeling disconnected. The healthiest relationships may involve the ability to move flexibly in and out of synchrony, depending on the moment and context. This mirrors what I often see clinically. The couples who report the most satisfying sex lives are rarely perfectly matched in desire, arousal, or orgasm timing. Instead, they are highly responsive to one another, and they know how to adjust.
The Difference Between Contagion and Co-Regulation
One concept that particularly caught my attention was Dewitte's distinction between contagion and co-regulation. Sexual contagion occurs when one partner's arousal naturally spreads to the other. You've probably experienced this when your partner becomes excited, playful, flirtatious, or deeply engaged. Their energy pulls you in. Their arousal becomes contagious. This type of synchrony often characterizes newer relationships in which attraction is intense, and partners are highly sensitive to each other's signals.
Sexual co-regulation is more sophisticated. Rather than mirroring each other, partners actively adjust to support one another's experience. For example, one partner slows down when the other needs more time, one partner deepens emotional connection when the other feels anxious, one partner helps sustain arousal when the other is struggling to stay engaged, and one partner shifts focus from performance to pleasure.
This isn't about matching; it's about helping the relationship find balance. In my clinical work, I often see long-term sexual satisfaction depend less on contagion and more on co-regulation. The butterflies of early attraction eventually fade. The ability to adapt to one another becomes far more important.
Why Some Couples Get Stuck
One of the most clinically useful aspects of this theory is how it explains sexual difficulties. Traditionally, sex therapists might ask questions like: Why does she have low desire? Or why is he struggling with erections? The synchrony model asks: How are these partners influencing each other's sexual systems? Dewitte proposes that sexual difficulties may arise when couples lose flexibility and become unable to move in and out of synchrony effectively. Some common examples I see are illustrated below.
This perspective is particularly compelling because it helps explain what many therapists observe, namely that sexual problems rarely affect only one partner. Even when symptoms appear in one person, the relationship system often adapts around those symptoms.
The Goal Is Not Perfect Synchrony
One of my favorite takeaways from this presentation was the idea that healthy couples don't stay synchronized all the time and that shouldn’t be the goal. There are moments during sex when tuning into your partner enhances pleasure, and there are also moments when tuning into yourself becomes essential. Dewitte even suggests that excessive synchrony might interfere with orgasm if partners become overly focused on monitoring each other rather than on experiencing their own sensations.
As therapists, we often teach mindfulness during sex. This research suggests we may need a more nuanced approach; sometimes intimacy requires attunement to your partner, while at other times intimacy requires returning to yourself. The healthiest couples appear capable of doing both.
Let’s Get In Sync: What This Means for Sex Therapy
This framework resonates deeply with what I observe in sex therapy. When couples improve sexually, they are not simply increasing desire or learning new techniques. They are learning to notice each other's cues, respond rather than react, adjust without resentment, stay connected despite differences, create flexibility rather than rigidity, and build a sexual relationship that evolves over time. In other words, they become more synchronized.
For decades, sexual health research has largely focused on individuals. Sexual synchrony invites us to consider something much bigger: sex is not merely something that happens within a person; it is something that happens between people. This perspective may ultimately help us better understand desire discrepancies, sexual dissatisfaction, arousal difficulties, and even long-term relationship resilience. As Dewitte concludes, sexual synchrony may offer a new lens for understanding how couples build, maintain, repair, and reinvent their sexual relationships over time. A satisfying sex life may not depend on finding the perfect partner. It may depend on learning how to move together.
References
Dewitte, M. (2024). Sexual Synchrony During Partnered Sex. The Journal of Sex Research, 61(9), 1316–1327. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2024.2390671
Frequently Asked Questions
What is sexual synchrony?
Sexual synchrony is the temporal, reciprocal, and coordinated interchange between partners' subjective and genital sexual arousal responses. In practical terms, it describes how partners influence, respond to, and regulate each other's arousal during a sexual encounter through touch, eye contact, breathing, movement, vocalizations, and emotional expression.
What is the difference between sexual contagion and sexual co-regulation?
Sexual contagion happens when one partner's arousal naturally spreads to the other, which is common in newer relationships with intense attraction. Sexual co-regulation is more deliberate: partners actively adjust to support one another, such as slowing down when the other needs more time or helping sustain arousal when a partner is struggling to stay engaged. Long-term satisfaction tends to depend more on co-regulation than contagion.
Can too much synchrony be a problem?
Yes. Excessive synchrony can interfere with pleasure and even orgasm if partners become overly focused on monitoring each other rather than experiencing their own sensations. Too little synchrony can leave couples feeling disconnected. The healthiest couples move flexibly in and out of synchrony depending on the moment and context.
How does sexual synchrony explain sexual difficulties in couples?
The synchrony model shifts the question from what is wrong with one partner to how the partners are influencing each other's sexual systems. Sexual difficulties may arise when couples lose flexibility and can no longer move in and out of synchrony effectively. Even when symptoms appear in one person, the relationship system often adapts around them.
What does sexual synchrony mean for sex therapy?
It encourages therapists to treat sex as something that happens between people, not only within an individual. Couples improve by learning to notice each other's cues, respond rather than react, adjust without resentment, and build flexibility rather than rigidity. This lens can help with desire discrepancies, arousal difficulties, sexual dissatisfaction, and long-term relationship resilience.
Is mindfulness during sex always helpful?
Not in every moment. Common advice emphasizes mindfulness and attunement to a partner, but the synchrony research suggests a more nuanced approach. Sometimes intimacy calls for tuning into your partner, and at other times it calls for returning to your own sensations. The healthiest couples are able to do both.
