Put Satisfaction at the Center of Sexuality
Continuing our Sex Plus Symposium, we were joined by Dr. Marty Klein to discuss sexual intelligence.
Dr. Klein is a licensed marriage and family therapist and a certified sex therapist in Palo Alto, California. In his 39 years of practice, he’s held more than 40,000 sessions with individuals and couples.
He is the award-winning author of seven books on sexuality and relationships, and frequently appears in the popular media as a source of innovative thinking about sexuality, culture, politics and the media.
As a qualified forensic expert, Dr. Klein testifies in various state and federal courts, and he recently gave two Congressional briefings on evidence-based sex education. Each year, Dr. Klein trains thousands of psychologists, physicians and policymakers in sexuality — including our own staff at Kimberly Keiser and Associates.
Redefining Sexual Function
Historically, doctors and therapists have used sexual function to narrowly refer to genital function — the idea that genitalia are supposed to do certain things under certain circumstances.
Dr. Klein argues for an expansion of understanding the term “sexual function” to put satisfaction as the centerpiece of sexuality.
As a therapist, he encourages patients to think holistically about their lived experiences and how those may or may not impact sexual relationships. The goal is for individuals and couples to determine what creates sexual satisfaction for a more fulfilling life. However, many people have distractions that challenge their ability to truly enjoy pleasure.
Disconnecting from Satisfaction
Most people have simple expectations from sex: a combination of pleasure and closeness.
Pleasure and closeness, however, are not what people often focus on before or during sex. It’s common to think about how they look or sound, how to suppress pain or emotions, how to climax more slowly (or quickly) or how their partner feels.
“No wonder many people have difficulty enjoying sex. They’re paying attention to the wrong things.”
While those intrusive thoughts can make it difficult to enjoy sex, Dr. Klein says those anxieties are “optional,” meaning there is a way to move past the distractions and reach the goal of pleasure and closeness.
Refocusing attention during sexual experiences can be easier said than done.
For people struggling to stop intrusive thoughts, dig deeper into the reason behind those anxieties. This starts with asking questions about sex, including:
How do you feel when that happens?
How did you decide to do that?
What is it like to feel judged?
How do you know what your partner is thinking?
What do you like about that activity?
When do you give up?
The answer to that last question can be particularly telling. Many people get into bed with their partner thinking they are going to connect, but in the blink of an eye something might give one person (or both) a reason to disconnect.
Managing Assumptions About Sex
Shame, physical pain, fear and criticism are feelings that can complicate a sexual experience.
Instead of focusing on intrusive thoughts, Dr. Klein urges patients to put their five senses to use.
“We don’t want people evaluating their experience. We want people living their experience.”
What makes sex complicated is not the extent to which people do or don’t function with their genitalia, but rather the stories people are telling themselves about all the things that can go wrong during sex.
Most people go into a restaurant assuming they will manage the experience with no mistakes. You don’t expect yourself to put pepper on your dessert or call your dinner companion by the wrong name. But many people enter the bedroom with sexual mistakes top of mind.
Going into the bedroom already worried about not disappointing your partner makes it incredibly difficult to relax and enjoy the experience.
In part two of this session, we’ll learn how cultural expectations impact sexual satisfaction – and ways to achieve pleasure for yourself and your relationship.