Ask Me Anything is an anonymous Q&A where individuals submit questions and Kimberly responds with general insights, suggestions, and resources.

Ask Me Anything Question:

So, 9 years into our marriage, my wife had one night stands with four guys over a 3 to 6-month time period—random guys she met online by placing a Yahoo ad. When I found out, we dealt with it by moving across the country and basically not talking about it. She swore nothing like that would ever happen again.

Then about ten years later she struck up a long-term affair. It lasted about 2 1/2 to 3 years before I discovered it, and she swore it would never happen again. We never really dealt with it, in fact she still works at the same place as her affair partner, who has since divorced and remarried.

Now it’s about ten years later and the timing has my stomach in knots again, not because there is something specific I think is going on. I’m just kind of thinking about the “decade anniversary.” I don’t bring it up because the general reaction is, after all this time has passed, why should I just rehash it now? I wish it had been dealt with correctly the first time two decades ago.

My question is how to get over the memories that constantly haunt me without making my wife feel any worse about what she’s done?

Kimberly’s Answer:

Thank you so much for sharing these painful dynamics and experiences with me. I often find that individuals in this situation feel alone and isolated, even feeling shame and embarrassment talking about their experiences, as though they are the only ones who have ever been through this. There are several themes that stand out to me in your story.

Without knowing you or your wife, the pattern of behavior you describe as part of the infidelity appears somewhat compulsive. When someone exhibits a pattern of risky sexual behavior, such as having sex with multiple partners they meet online, followed by subsequent infidelities, this usually indicates that the infidelities are a symptom of underlying sources of compulsive sexuality. At Kimberly Keiser and Associates we use the Out of Control Sexual Behavior (OCSB) model, to assist individuals in understanding compulsive sexual behavior and developing a sexual health plan based on the principles of sexual health. In my experience, most individuals with compulsive sexual behavior have a history of childhood abuse and/or neglect, attachment difficulties, and challenges regulating emotions.

If this is the case, infidelity recovery would be premature, and I recommend that your partner seek professional counseling to better understand the reasons why they feel compelled to meet their needs outside of the marriage through sexual and/or emotional affairs. In sex therapy, it’s important not to shame anyone for having affairs as they are largely rooted in poor coping mechanisms that must be understood before the behavior can be changed in a manner that aligns with their integrity and current monogamy agreement with their partner.

That being said, it has undoubtedly been incredibly painful for you to go through. When you describe some of your experiences, “stomach in knots” and “haunted by memories,” these sound like symptoms of posttraumatic stress. While individuals experiencing traumatic events can develop posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), many go on to have some symptoms of PTSD without meeting full criteria for this disorder. In my clinical experience, many partners who have been betrayed through infidelity have symptoms of PTSD and require their own therapy to treat those symptoms. I would encourage you to seek individual counseling as like the possible OCSB behaviors your partner may be exhibiting, your symptoms can only be addressed in your own therapy prior to making real progress in couples therapy.

One final piece of your story that stands out is how you minimize and dismiss your own experience and needs, and agree with your partner when she suggests you should “move on.” You also seem to place her needs first when you deny your own experience in an effort to “not make her feel worse.” It’s normal for people in relationships with someone who exhibits addictive or compulsive behavior, to develop codependency. I highly recommend reading Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie. While this book was written for people in relationships with others who are facing alcohol or drug dependence, a lot of what it covers really applies to the behaviors and patterns you’ve described.

It appears you are focused on your partner rather than yourself. The solution is straightforward, although more difficult in practice—to prioritize your own needs and make the necessary changes to feel better, while not taking responsibility for anyone else but yourself.

Although you don’t have the power to change your partner, you have 100% control over your own healing. I encourage you to put yourself first and ask yourself what you need to heal. You can do this while still caring for your partner. You are worth it.

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