In a time filled with trending “buzz-worthy” titles and quick gimmicks, it can be a struggle to find accurate and helpful information on the topic of sex.

That is why I am excited to pass on tips of the trade from Barry McCarthy, PH.D. With 42 years of experience in the field, Barry is a professor of psychology at American University, a diplomate in clinical psychology, a diplomate in sex therapy, and a certified couple therapist.

I was able to attend a special training with Barry recently. Read on to learn some key takeaways on the views of true sex therapy and what you can expect with Kimberly Keiser and Associates.

The Impact of Sex on Relationships

Good sex can’t save a bad relationship, but bad sex can ruin a good relationship.

This is a key concept when looking at how sex plays a part in a couple’s dynamic. Research shows that when sex is going well, it accounts for about 15-20% of the couple’s overall happiness. However, when sex is going poorly, it moves to about 50-75% of their happiness. Clearly, issues with sex can be a powerful drain on a relationship.

Today, one out of five couples is having sex less than once per month. At this level, couples are in the category of being nonsexual. There are many factors that play a part in reaching this point, and working with a skilled therapist can aid a couple in understanding this more fully.

So what are some strategies a couple can use to begin the process of turning their sexual relationship around?

Questions to Ask Before Starting Sex Therapy

One of the best ways to begin improving your sexual satisfaction is by attending sex therapy or couples therapy.

Here are two key questions to ask yourself before starting therapy:

“When were desire, pleasure, eroticism, and satisfaction best in your relationship?”
- Yes, these are connected, but they’re also very different. It is important to reflect on these as you prepare to move forward.
“Are each of you committed to a secure and satisfying relationship?”
- This is also very important because we all have different ideas of what a committed and secure relationship is. We run into trouble when, instead of reflecting or communicating, we make assumptions or avoid the topic altogether.

Sexual Satisfaction at All Ages

Realistic sexual expectations are needed to maintain satisfaction. This is true at all ages of a sexual relationship, and expectations need to be adjusted as we age.

Research shows that men and women are able to maintain a healthy sex life in their 60s, 70s, and 80s. This may be surprising, but research also reflects that sex after 60 is typically more intimate, genuine, and human, thus leading to more overall satisfaction for both partners.

So why do some couples turn away from sex? There are many causes, such as:

Relationship difficulties, including conflict or poor communication
Physical issues, such as erectile dysfunction (ED) or vaginismus, medication side effects, or physical illness
Insecurity about our aging bodies
Misconceptions about sexuality

How to Balance Intimacy and Eroticism

One strategy to turn this around is to have balance between intimacy and eroticism.

Nonsexual touch is just as important, if not more important, that sexual touch. If a partner is touch starved, it is hard to go from a drought to feeling erotic.

A good analogy is a shipwrecked sailor. When this person is rescued, you can’t have them drink and eat their fill; you instead gradually increase their intake and allow their body to adjust to the change.

Similarly, consistent intimate touch is a vital way to maintain a spark of desire. If a partner is disinterested in aspects of touch, find ways to honor them and make it comfortable. Similarly, if they feel it is boring, figure out a way for them to make it more exciting while maintaining comfort for both partners.

Another strategy is to have each partner initiate an asynchronous or playful / erotic sexual experience at least once or twice a year. An asynchronous sexual experience helps a couple to let go of the expectations of mutual orgasm or equal satisfaction. This nudges a couple into a playful state and opens the door to better communication about sexual fantasies and desires.

Overall, the more love, communication, and intimacy, the better sex a couple will enjoy.

Begin Your Sex Therapy Journey

I hope reading this was helpful in getting you to think differently about the possibilities for intimacy in your own life.

Dr. Barry McCarthy has additional techniques and strategies to address sexual problems, which he has developed over his long career. These are just a few to start with.

At Kimberly Keiser and Associates, we utilize many resources to aid in tackling your specific concerns, whether inside or outside the bedroom. If you are interested in learning more, please reach out to work with one of our skilled therapists!

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