What to Do if You’re Caught Cheating

In part one of our session on infidelity with Dr. Tammy Nelson, we covered what an affair is and why people cheat. In part two, we’ll cover what to do if you’re caught cheating and how to pave the road to recovery.

Things Every Cheater Should Know

The number one thing if you’re cheating: don’t deny you’re in an affair. One of the worst things to do to your partner if an affair is revealed is to make them feel like they’re imagining it.

There are studies that show the more you deny and lie, the worse it is when you’re trying to recover later on. It’s not only difficult for your partner, but it takes a toll on your own mental health when you deny that you’re in an affair.

Whether or not you believe we as people are born monogamous, we have the ability to choose to be monogamous.

Say you’re sorry — and mean it. Apologizing for an affair puts the onus back on your partner to give you forgiveness when they’re the one hurt. Forgiveness happens when there’s empathy. 

The pattern of “wake up or break up” is a very typical response when an affair occurs. The person who cheats often cheats to get the attention they think they need in order to stay in their committed relationship, and they want their partner to change how they need them, too. 

At times, something in the relationship will force a wake-up call, which is often getting caught cheating.

Treatment for the One Who Cheats

The person who cheats within a relationship is someone who has had or is currently having an affair with someone who isn’t their partner. This can include one-night stands, online infidelity or a long-term, in-person relationship.

Yes, people cheat for sex or if they’re unhappy, but there’s a complexity behind all relationships that is difficult to define. In general, partner selection is a really complex pattern of multiple factors, including biological, environmental and cultural factors.

We dig deeper into the meaning of infidelity and what the road to recovery looks like in a previous session with Dr. Tammy.

As the person who is cheating, there are many emotions that come with getting caught. Often, there can be anger for getting caught, that your spouse isn’t responding more maturely or the way you’d like them to, and feeling abandoned by people who were once there for you.

Ending An Affair

Any affair should be ended with integrity both for the “other” partner and your spouse. All parties need to express empathy if there is going to be a path to recovery.

Be clear and take responsibility for your actions. Going forward, it’s important to set boundaries and establish rules for your new relationship.

Express your appreciation for your partner and say thank you. Being able to set shared priorities is key for establishing empathy and growth. 

When you are disclosing your affair with your partner, avoid sharing too many details or hiding too many things. Essentially, avoid telling your partner something they can’t unhear and heal from. 

Road to Recovery

Mental health care treatment — and specifically couples therapy — presents an enormous opportunity to explore a more contemporary form of treatment for couples recovering from infidelity and for the partner who identifies as the transgressor. The one who cheats no longer has to be primarily the identified problem.

Once an affair has occurred, you need to start over on the road to a new monogamy. For further information on this important topic, please check out Tammy’s book When You’re the One Who Cheats. 

Stay tuned for more session in our Sex Plus Symposium, and read part one of our latest session with Dr. Tammy Nelson.