Rethinking Traditional Male Sexuality

Our team of sex therapists was once again joined by Barry McCarthy for the latest installment in our Sex Plus Symposium series. He provides helpful guidelines and suggestions for traditional male sexuality and the problems many men and couples face.

The way we have come to understand male sexuality is not healthy for men, women, or couples.

Male sexuality is typically put into one of two buckets. It’s either put on a pedestal and labeled as a great thing, or it’s demonized and labeled as the cause of behaviors such as sexual abuse.

Traditional Heterosexual Couples

Pleasure is the major basic understanding of not only a couple’s sexuality, but also male sexuality.

Traditionally, the male is the more active member during foreplay, while the woman remains a more passive member during arousal. This needs to be reframed to reflect both parties actively giving and receiving pleasure. 

Males learn sexuality as autonomous. He can function and is not worried about sexual dysfunction. It is also a predictable sexual function that can then result in problems such as premature ejaculation or sex lasting less than two minutes in adult males. 

The new model of sexual satisfaction is that both men and women feel good about themselves as sexual people and that desire and desirability are not contingent on sexual performance. 

Male Sexual Function and Dysfunction

Men typically go through a sensitizing — or negative — experience between ages 35 and 55, which means they don’t have an erection sufficient for intercourse or another negative sexual experience. In many men this is normalized as part of typical variability in sexual functioning.

However, this can contribute to the development of a sexual dysfunction which can result in a couple decreasing intimacy over time, and a lost confidence with erections during intercourse. 

Some men can also develop anticipatory and performance anxiety. They rush sex because they’re afraid of losing their erection, and they increasingly get into the cycle of anticipatory anxiety — which can lead to frustration, embarrassment, and ultimately avoidance. 

Once this sensitizing experience occurs, there is no going back to autonomous, predictable sex.

When men turn to bio-medical interventions such as enhancement drugs or medical procedures, they’re hoping to return to 100% predictable sex, but this is unrealistic. There is no substitute for a holistic understanding of sexual functioning, which includes the emotional, relational, and psychological components of sexual health in addition to the biological or medical component.

In other words, Viagra isn’t enough. 

This is why the new male model of sexuality is so important because it focuses on the sexual encounters of all types being “good enough” versus penetrative intercourse happening to completion. 

Learn More About Male Sexual Function

In part two of this session with Barry, we dive more into common male sexual problems and how sex therapy can help.

You can read more about Barry’s new model of male sexuality. Check out his book Contemporary Male Sexuality.  And to learn more about different sexual functions and dysfunctions affecting both men and women, check out more of our Sex Plus Symposium series.