Modern Bonds: Polyamory and Open Relationships
We were joined once again by Dr. Tammy Nelson to discuss polyamory and open relationships for our Sex Plus Symposium series.
In her new book, Open Monogamy: A Guide to Co-Creating Your Ideal Relationship Agreement, she covers having a primary relationship with a flexible, fluid agreement.
Oftentimes in these relationships, it’s hard to navigate the primary and secondary relationships and stay accessible to everyone involved.
More and more, people are looking at each other to define their individual marriage versus turning to cultural norms.
The Monogamy Revolution
Monogamy is a legal term meaning being married to one person. In classic monogamy, two people marry as virgins and keep one sexual partner for their entire life.
Dr. Nelson believes we are on the cusp of a new definition of marriage and committed relationships. Where the 1960s saw a sexual revolution, this decade holds promise of a revolution in monogamy, and women are the gatekeepers of new monogamy without the restraints of old characteristics.
Marriage used to be defined by these characteristics:
Organized religion
One male and one female
Legally sanctioned religious ritual
Civil union to one person; forever
A contract that bound you to physical proximity
Commitment to sexual fidelity
A legal contract where men took ownership of any shared property
Now, marriage is truly optional for women, and they no longer need to live by the constraints of society.
Fidelity, or the commitment to having sex with only one person, isn’t a top concern, and open relationships where it’s okay to have sex with other people, but not grow emotionally attached to them, are more widely accepted.
For the first time ever, less than half of all Americans are married. However, more than half of Americans state that marriage is important, but it’s not essential to live a fulfilled life. Most consider a fulfilling career more important.
Different Types of Monogamy
Different from classic monogamy is serial monogamy, which is when two people are together exclusively and then break up and each repeats with another partner.
Open monogamy is defined as a primary or central partnership with a flexible relationship agreement. This agreement can include emotional, romantic, and open sexual behaviors with other people.
Each couple may define the boundaries of their agreement differently. There are many definitions of what a relationship may look like. Including living apart or having a long-distance relationship.
What is Polyamory?
Polyamory is when both partners approve of having close, emotional, romantic, and sexual relationships outside the coupled partnership.
This is different from polygamy which means being married to more than one person at a time.
Polyamorous relationships don’t just mean having sex with multiple people at a time, it’s also being open to being in love with more than one person at a time.
The different styles of polyamory include polyfidelity, polyaffective, primary/secondary, and non-hierarchical (anarchy).These can take different forms such as an open couple, poly singles, triads, quads, and moresomes.
Polyamorous relationships can bring up a variety of different issues for who is sleeping in which room with which person. There can also be different personal issues that can arise spanning from parental to sibling issues that could be interlaced with jealousy that may leave one partner wondering why another was treated “better” or differently.
In 2010 it was estimated that 4% of the U.S. population were in some form of a polyamorous relationship. That’s equivalent to approximately 11 million people. A different study in 2016 found that 31% of women and 39% of men would be open to a consensual, non-monogamous relationship.
Modern relationship styles have only continued to evolve and grow over time. We will continue to explore the different types and styles of these relationships as well.
In part two of Tammy’s session on modern relationships, we’ll dig deeper into the monogamy gap and what the effects of an open relationship can look like.