I'm into things a little kinky from time to time, which my husband knew and gladly accommodated before our wedding. How do I get him to want to be less gentle with me now that we are married?
Ask Me Anything is an anonymous Q&A where individuals submit questions and Kimberly responds with general insights, suggestions, and resources.
Ask Me Anything Question:
I'm into things a little kinky from time to time, which my husband knew and gladly accommodated those needs before our wedding. We're almost a year and a half into our life together.
How do I get him to want and/or look forward to being less gentle with me?
Kimberly’s Answer:
This is a great question because it touches on multiple aspects of healthy sexual relationships. Thank you for submitting it!
What strikes me at first glance when reading your question is the communication between you and your partner. It seems you had relative ease in your sex life prior to marriage, but after the relationship matured over time, that ease is no longer present. It isn’t uncommon for ease with sexuality, combined with limited communication, to have a time stamp in a relationship. In other words, over time, not only does the sexual dynamic change, but the need for increased communication in the relationship also evolves. I invite you to consider that the sexual relationship with your partner will change throughout your entire relationship, and the type of communication required at each stage to sustain a pleasurable and satisfying sex life will also change, inviting you to learn new skills. If you didn’t communicate about your sexual desires and fantasies before marriage, it would be helpful to start discussing them now. Additionally, it helps to develop realistic expectations regarding changes in the sexual dynamic over time.
A second aspect of your question involves kink in the relationship. Kink can mean many different things to many different people. In our popular culture, films like “50 Shades of Grey” and “Babygirl” often misrepresent what kink actually is, which can lead to confusion for individuals and couples interested in exploring kink. In my clinical experience working with kinky individuals and couples over the years, I’ve noticed a great variation in how someone defines themselves as kinky and what their kink is. Furthermore, it’s common for couples to have different kinky preferences and desires, even if they both identify as kinky.
For some useful tips to start to explore this, I would recommend some of the following:
Understand who you really are as a kinky person and what language can be used to best describe the kind of kink you like. Now more than ever, there are many ways to learn about kink, including finding a local kink group and attending munches (social gatherings that often involve kink education), joining an online forum specifically for kinky folks where you can meet and learn more (FetLife), find books on any aspect of kink, or go to a local and reputable sex shop and ask the people who work there about resources for kink. If you’re just getting started and feel a bit shy, you can always do your own research on the Internet and find what resonates with you. Build your own narrative about what your kink is and how you want to explore it so you can share it with your partner.
Try talking directly to your partner about what your kink fantasies and interests are. Oftentimes, even if your partner isn’t kinky, they may be willing to meet your kink fantasies and needs by negotiating around a good partnership in your sexual relationship. If you’re struggling with how to start talking to your partner, you can invite them to explore any of the resources above with you. I often use communication exercises out of Tammy Nelson’s book, Getting The Sex You Want, which is full of communication and sexual exercises for partners to explore who they are sexually.
If you’ve tried these strategies and are still at an impasse, couples counseling with a kink-friendly and knowledgeable therapist may be helpful. One thing I’ve discovered in my clinical experience is that healthy kinky couples exhibit some of the best communication skills of any of the couples I have worked with. Kink involves so much more than the acts themselves—it exists in the mind and spirit—and learning to communicate all the delicious fantasies is just as much a part of the kink, if not the bulk of it!
Regardless of the outcome, exploring this will bring growth to your relationship. Please contact us if we can help you in any way on your kinky journey!
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